The Language of Grief

A friend has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Someone we know commits suicide. How do we give support to people in profound grief?

Many of us search for words. The right words. Words that will diminish the griever’s pain and ours. Those words seem elusive and awkward. Even the writers of condolence cards don’t capture what we want to say. And so, instead of bringing a meal or making an offer to help with practical needs, we don’t even call or visit the sufferer.

When we realize there are no “right” words, then we can offer our compassionate, listening presence, and support starts to happen.

A widow stood to give a tribute at her husband’s memorial service. She commenced by saying, “At times like this we need words.” This edition of Kolbe Times is about the power of words. The widow’s words that day were powerful, as early on in her grief (sudden loss) she found the strength to speak of her husband’s living and dying.

The words that are spoken from the heart of a person in times of crisis can be very illuminating. Those words can help one start to find oneself in the midst of the chaos. The words a comforter speaks to a suffering soul are often very impotent in diminishing pain. Rather than focusing on speaking right words, we listen to the words of the griever in order to bring support.

I have a saying in the front of my day timer: “If I speak what my heart feels, then what I speak will save me. If I do not speak what my heart feels, then what I do not speak will destroy me.” If these statements are true, then in times of suffering it raises the importance of finding a person or a community where the griever can speak and be heard. A mom came to one of our bereaved parents’ groups and held up a picture of her son who had died ten years previously. She told the facilitators and the other parents that her family had removed all his pictures from view and stopped talking about him – it was too painful. But the unexpressed grief was overwhelming her even more. She found community with other bereaved parents who were all struggling together to speak their grief.

Both the cognitive and emotional impact need expression. People seek meaning, and begin that process by trying to have their questions heard and honoured. They need to explore their spiritual beliefs and understanding of life. They might need to express at times the excruciating details of their loved one’s death. As they do this, they begin to thaw from the immobilization that trauma can induce. If this is what they need to say at that time, can we find the strength to listen?

What about the wide range of struggling emotions that must be expressed in order to massage pain out of the human spirit? Emotions are a precious part of all of us but the emotions during grief are not pleasant. Supporters must be able to listen to these deep feelings such as guilt, anger and anxiety without shutting down this very important healing catharsis.

When grievers are speaking their depth of sadness, we listen to the heart of grief. Some of the emotions can pass quickly, but never sorrow for a loving relationship. Sadness and sorrow are probably the deepest and most genuine emotions of all. They are present in the human spirit because one has loved. We give a gift when we do not rush the journey of sadness; mostly we listen to encourage reminiscing. Henri Nouwen once said, “One of the mysteries of life is that memory can often bring us closer to each other than can physical presence.” Scott Sullender, author of Grief and Growth, writes, “The ultimate goal of grieving is to remember without pain.”

When Job’s friends came to be with him, they sat on the ground in silence because they were so moved by the depth of his grief. After a week they could not sustain just sitting with his suffering any longer, but when they tried to speak words to help him they actually added to his anguish. Are you the kind of friend/supporter who can sit with another in the throes of abject suffering, when words will not soothe but a loving presence will? We listen with our hearts and follow in behind the grieving person’s own process and pace.

There is power in the words a grieving person speaks about the impact of their grief. There is power in our loving, listening presence.

And the power is for healing and growth.